This post is more of a journal entry than anything. If anyone reads this, I hope they get something out of it! :)
It's 12:20am on 8/12 (Fri/Sat 13th?) and I'm blogging. I'd rather be at a party I was invited to, but had to skip it b/c my friend had a well-timed headache (he's shy) and wanted to go home. After getting annoyed, I drove us both back to another friend's pad 15 miles outside of town -- and then his headache amazingly cleared up (after he surfed the net for awhile). Oh well. Somewhat frustrating.
I wanted to go to this party, but I didn't. Sometimes, it seems like FATE steers me around this life.
I had a printout of housing listings in Portland that I wanted to investigate. I'm on the way to check 'em out, but stop to grab some food. We pull over at Cricket Cafe, and across the street is
Portland's Alternative Realtors! So we grub, I pop in, and for that day & Fri I'm driving around with a great realtor looking at places in my price range -- but not within my taste. I'm really ready to buy something, but nothing looked do-able. DAMNIT!
I'm so tempted to force it, but that's just foolish. The right thing will come if I wait ... and keep looking, keep putting out energy. And now I know the neigbhorhoods and the housing market here better. I just don't want to see everything zip by like Astoria did -- but apparently the housing market's about to dive so it doesn't matter anyway!!
On Monday, I found out that our local director was fired. I'm a bit sad at the firing, but I'm not sad that he's gone. He did me very little kindness while he was around, and I'm happy that the end of an era has come. He was ineffective, insulting, and a poor leader, but he was relatively benign as far as corp managers go. Where I work, I've seen some AMAZING jokes in management positions, so it pays to keep my eyes open!
An old friend & former coworker suggested I take this time to move my desk to the hidden areas of the company & quietly 'fall off' the list of visible employees on the payroll. I laughed about it w/him, but can't do it. I mean, it's a funny idea in theory, but in practice easily 1/2 of my actual job at this point is just showing up, so I want to do that part. Damn this work ethic!!!
This last week of seeing a bunch of friends, their children, and reuniting with old friends has been a great emotional boost for me. I have really done well in my life, picking great people to walk with ... for periods. I hope at some point, things will stay more consistent with SOMEONE, but I am the wanderer, in general, and I blame no one.
2 big lessons of the week:
1 - Glad I have no kids right now, it's so much work & commitment. CLEARLY the relationship must be stable & supportive for a good environment to raise a good healthy child.
2 - It's OK to be single for a period of time, and allow my energy to re-center in myself. While I might date soon, I will not 'hook up' too soon in an LTR. It'd be too easy to fall off balance. The balance fulcrum needs to return to my core center for my life to move. It hasn't been there for awhile now... EXCITING!
Last comment re: war in Israel/Lebannon and war in Iraq. A friend 'challenged' me and said, "Are all your shirts anti-war? We're in there now, do you think it's so smart just to stop fighting and leave?" I was glad he asked the question, bc I had to think about it.
And I still like my response, which was (paraphrased) "I'm opposed to this war, as I'm opposed to all wars. War is not an intelligent way to deal with disagreements anymore and it's unacceptible to me. It runs counter to my 'religion' which is basically to worship the sanctity and beauty of life."
I don't believe 2 wrongs can make a right, and war is a thousand wrongs making more bad karma. The USA is unfortunately now just starting to reap what it has sewn with slavery, extermination of native peoples, disrespect for plants and animals and environment, and world domination/exploitation. While the winners do write the history books -- and tend to suppress the truth, their biggest weakness is the truth of the past. And truth does reveal itself in big ways at crucial times.
I oppose all aggression against life, and that does include oppression and exploitation along with warfare and general one-on-one violence. I believe the beauty of the human challenge is we have potential for both, and we have to decide our actions based on logic, intuition, and faith.
What will we choose for our tomorrow? What will we choose for our today? What have we chosen for our past? The future can and will change the past and present, and our choices today shape everything. NOW is the most important of all moments. And NOW is the time for PEACE.
